Our Self-conscious, Self-Analyzing Selves

Posted February 8, 2011 by

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If you’re on online dating sites, you probably already spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about relationships. It also happens to  be the age of over self-consciousness and self-analysis; we belong to a generation that was told we could be and do what we wanted, and being and doing what we wanted could mean making ceramic cows as much as becoming a doctor. In the end, a  lot of us don’t even know what we want to do, but I digress.

Our relationships face the same over analysis and self-consciousness, if i can call it that. We were also told – in a way – or have decided, that we can have whatever type of relationship we want, that we can choose traditional or non-traditional, and that we should be happy. We deserve happiness. we don’t have to stick it out for 50 years with a woman who hates us.

Does this attitude automatically sabotage our chances for a stable, happy union? If we are constantly questioning whether we are happy or whether a particular arrangement suits us or whether it follows any of the heteronormative traditions we  detest, will we ever actually be happy in a pair? Will we ever actually accept any sort of sharing of our life with a partner? And is the alternative any better? If we don’t question all these things, what are we accepting in society in general?

Should we stop analyzing so much and simply go with the flow until we feel unhappy or uncomfortable? Do we have to step outside of the relationship constantly and try to see it objectively? Why does objectivity matter? All relationships are subjective. Is online courting too self-conscious and methodical as a process?  Does the personal always have to be political? Wouldn’t that make for an incredibly unhappy life?

Most importantly, should I end this article before I begin to sound too much like the Sex and the City intros where Carrie reads annoying questions from the articles she’s writing for her column? The answer is yes, yes I should.

About the Author

Paul Abbey
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Paul Abbey has a Masters Degree in Sexual Health from the University of Sydney in Australia. He has authored several self-help novels and has been a guest speaker in four Continents and many different cities from around the world. At, Abbey is the leading authority in human sexuality and he strives to help shape the dating community into a more relevant and understanding place for both men and women.