The Geography Of Masturbation

Posted June 6, 2013 by

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Where in the world are people masturbating the most? This is not that easy a question to solve. For one, this is not the type of data that people often divulge all that often. It’s not like it’s a standard question in the US Census report. The accepted wisdom is basically that everyone does it, but no one likes to talk about it. According to some studies, 95 percent of men and 89 percent of women have masturbated. We see the behavior in babies and animals so we can assume that just about everyone does it on a pretty regular basis once they reach sexual maturity.

Well, maybe not everyone, or there are at least quite a few out there that just don’t want to admit to it. On the classic page of dating statistics, OK Cupid’s OKTrends, there’s a great bar graph of people who claim that they never masturbate broken down by religion and gender:


Whatever, Jewish women! Maybe it’s time to start being honest with yourselves!


So sure, maybe there’s a large portion of the world’s population that never masturbates. Unless we can subpoena all of those people and force them to testify under oath that they regularly diddle their fiddles, we can’t have true and accurate info on this subject. And furthermore, we still don’t know where people are masturbating most. How do you know that if you’re walking past your neighbor’s door that he’s not pulling the pud just behind his door staring back at you from his peephole? Let’s face it, you have no idea if he’s doing that.

There are a few places in the world where masturbation is actively encouraged. In the United Kingdom, based on some evidence that regular orgasms are good for cardiovascular health, the NHS has encouraged school children to masturbate a couple of times a week. So go ahead British youngsters, don’t stop wankin’ it, it’s good for you! Also a couple of years ago in the Spanish region of Extremadura, the local government launched a campaign to teach young people the value of “sexual self-exploration and the discovery of self-pleasure.” So there we go. The UK and a section of eastern Spain, that’s where all the masturbators are.

Thankfully we have some more masturbation data that can shed some more light on our question. There appears to be some evidence that Twitter users have a tendency to masturbate more. Thanks again to the good people over at OKCupid, here’s another illuminating graph:

My own bars are rising just thinking about this.

My own bars are rising just thinking about this.

Apparently, frequent Twitter users are as likely to be masturbating on a daily basis as they are using Twitter. This crosses all age and gender groups too (we should check to see if there’s less Jewish or Muslim women on Twitter). Really, if you’re tweeting continuously, you might as well be jacking off just as much, one hand on your keyboard and one hand in your pants. Some people suspect that the reason that Twitter users may be hornier is simply that they’re online more and therefore have easier access to porn. Since you’re reading this article online right now, there’s probably a good chance that you’ve got some porn open in another window and you’re probably bashing that bishop at his very moment.

So now we can surmise that where people are tweeting quite often, they probably masturbating a lot as well. Thankfully Twitter recently published a number of visualizations from geotagged tweets which give us a pretty good map of where people are tweeting the most often. Though simple deduction, we can conclude that these maps could be used just as well to show where people are masturbating the most as well.

Lets looks at some of the patterns of masturbation around the world:


Where are all of the masturbators in Northern Canada?

Well it’s pretty obvious that the eastern half of the US is a lot hornier than the western part. The Pacific coast makes up for the relative lack of masturbation in the center of the country. It looks like California is as horny as ever. Surprisingly Canada has remarkably few masturbators. And it looks like South America has yet to fully appreciate the joys of self-love. Let’s look at some more places, Europe for instance:


Check out how horny Britain is!

Well it looks like the NHS campaign to get people to masturbate more is a smashing success! The UK appears to be one of the wankingest countries in all of Europe. Likewise it looks like The Netherlands is pretty lit up there on this map. No doubt that the Dutch’s long history of tolerance and liberalism has allowed their citizenry to explore their bodies to their fullest. That Spanish campaign to get more masturbators in Extremadura had better step up its game, though. It looks like they’ve got a ways to go. At least they’re ahead in the meat beating trade than their relatively repressed neighbors in Portugal. Let’s take a closer look at a few cities:


San Francisco looks like it’s about to shoot a wax dart straight into the Bay.

Downtown San Francisco is chock full of masturbators. It’s so sexually charged that it looks like it’s about to explode. However, there’s surprisingly no masturbators at all in San Bruno State Park, which is definitely not what I experienced the last time I took a hike there. Here’s my personal favorite:


It’s difficult not to be masturbating continuously when you live on an island that’s shaped like a dong.

Here’s the ol’ horny Big Apple. I’ve always thought that New York City kind of looked like a big cock and balls, but once you see where all of the masturbators are, it’s hard not to notice. Of course the big penis that is Manhattan is the most lit up. This map even looks like it’s shooting a stream of cum into New York Harbor towards Staten Island. Just looking at this map gives me a little tightness in my loins.

We owe a huge debt to Twitter to finally shed some light on what has always eluded us sexual number crunchers. No longer will it be a mystery where in the world are people masturbating the most. Now that I know this, I feel like sending out some tweets to let everyone know. No wait, I mean I feel like masturbating.




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About the Author

Paul Abbey
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Paul Abbey has a Masters Degree in Sexual Health from the University of Sydney in Australia. He has authored several self-help novels and has been a guest speaker in four Continents and many different cities from around the world. At, Abbey is the leading authority in human sexuality and he strives to help shape the dating community into a more relevant and understanding place for both men and women.